Archive for January 5th, 2009
Many of you would probably be suprised to learn that I have psychic powers. Since early childhood, I have been able to see far into the future with eerie accuracy, often predicting world-changing events. Until now however, I have kept this gift a secret as to not alienate myself from the skeptical community, which tends to frown on such endeavors. But the burden has become to great for me alone to bear, so I am revealing my powers to the world. With that out of the way, here are my predictions for 2009.
1. In late January, scientists will discover a previously unknown neurotransmitter, 5-hydroxyskeptamine (5-HS). By the end of the year, mandatory genetic testing will be initiated so that people with increased levels of 5-HS, or those with increased 5-HS receptor sensitivity, can be isolated for use by the medical-industrial complex in their conspiracy to control the world. Once on board, they will be briefed on what “They” don’t want you to know about.
2. Dr. Jenny McCarthy, having recently completed an exhaustive 6-week MD-PhD program at Google University’s brand new Los Angeles campus, will host a meeting of the world’s foremost experts on neurodevelopmental disorders and vaccine science in June. Oprah will also be there to discuss her work on mapping autism risk loci using genetic linkage and chromosomal rearrangements and Holly Robinson Peete will present her studies on peripheral blood mononuclear cells from children with autism spectrum disorder.
3. Chiropractic researchers will announce that the spread of manipulation resistant subluxations is increasing, and call for the best minds in the world of complementary and alternative medicine to come together to reach a much needed consensus on how much to charge for their treatment.
4. Towards the middle of the year, academic astrologers will reveal the results of a centuries long study on the movement of the planets and their effects on the Earth. Included amongst the many shocking discoveries that will be announed will be that the stars and planets are round, very far away, and difficult to see without a telescope. They will also reveal that the Earth is in a state of transition and will face many adversities, particularly at some point during the current Cenozoic Era, but that the Earth is a resilient and fun-loving terrestrial planet which will find balance sometime during the Sun’s red giant phase. Also, it should expect an exciting romance in March.
5. Everything will be fine. Seriously, don’t worry about it.
6. Politicians from across the country will unite to form one enormous superpolitician which will crush all those which attempt to stand in its way. This will happen in September and will be filmed by Fox for its reality series, “Who Wan’t to Marry a Superpolitician?”
7. In November, Biblical scholars will reveal exciting new information regarding God’s last name. It’s Jenkins.
8. In a suprising decision by network executives, Kevin Trudeau will replace Conan O’Brien as host of Late Night when O’brien takes the helm of the Tonight Show in June. Trudeau, who will be excited about the opportunity to show the world his funny side, will shoot a randomly chosen audience member during each episode. He will then feast on the heart of a human infant.
9. In July, Microsoft will reveal plans for the next generation in home console gaming. Capitalizing on the nation’s desire for cheap and wholesome entertainment, the XBOX Zero, which consists of a handled wooden cup and a ball which is attached to a string, which is also attached to the cup, will be very popular. There will be flames painted on the cup and a recorded cheer will play upon succesfully catching the ball in the cup. Microsoft will sell well over a billion units by the end of the year but will still fold and be puchased for pennies on the dollar by a race of sentient portable media player/human hybrids.
10. In April, the iPod Neuro, which hooks directly into the owner’s neuroendocrine system, will hit store shelves. Designed to fully integrate itself into the host, rendering clumsly scroll wheels and distracting free will obsolete, the Neuro will eventually come to control a significant number of organ systems and their functions. By November of 2009, over half of the American population will be “plugged in” to Apple’s Neurointegration Network where they will receive their daily instructions and be able to buy food and water on iTunes.
I truly hope that this helps to prepare you for the year to come. I welcome any other psychics who may be reading to leave their own predictions for 2009 in the comment section.
*The predictions of Skepticpedi are not necessarily those of the Greater Houston Skeptic Society. Skepticpedi is not really psychic but is very smart and his predictions are still almost certainly going to come true. None of these predictions are going to come true, especially not the one about the iPod Neuro. Now, go out and buy an iPod Neuro right now.