Space City Skeptics

The Official Blog of the Houston Skeptic Society

2008 Data Reveals New Leading Causes of Death…..

with 7 comments

During a press conference held today at their headquarters in Bethesda, Maryland, officials from the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) announced that preliminary data from a landmark 2008 study shows that obstructed meridians may have taken the place of heart disease as the most common cause of death in America.

“To many in the scientific community this will likely come as a complete shock and it is going to be met with skepticism,” NCCAM assistant to the travelling secretary Embeth Guzman explained. “But to other, less close-minded medical mavericks, particularly those fighting on the front lines of integarive healthcare, this is a validation of the years spent working to unclog vital human energy pathways.”

The NCCAM, which is the federal goverment’s lead agency in investigating alternative healing modalities, has issued a nationwide call for medical professionals to be on the lookout for a number of less familiar but potentially deadly conditions. Guzman further states that “It is now time for all of us in the medical field, regardless of our personal beliefs, to come together and fight this scourge of humanity. I don’t want to come off as an alarmist here, but the lives of countless millions hang in the balance.”

The updates to the list of leading causes of death in America are as follows:

1. Obstructed meridians – 219 million deaths per year
2. Chiropractic subluxations – 138 million deaths per year
3. Brain fog – 87 million deaths per year
4. Adrenal fatique – 62 million deaths per year
5. Wilson’s Thyroid Syndrome – 49 million deaths per year
6. Medical errors by allopathic physicians – 48 million deaths per year
7. Morgellons Syndrome – 18 million deaths per year
8. Engram infestation complex -9 million deaths per year
9. Chi stagnation – 3 million deaths per year
10.  High-fructose corn syrup – 913,000 deaths per year

This NCCAM study, which ran from January through December of 2008, involved a randomized, double-blinded, placebo-controlled questionairre which was filled out by nearly 100 Bethesda area 5th and 6th grade students according to lead author and clinical mathologist Harken Marrow. After using a number of complex statistical analyses to arrive at the number of yearly deaths, the final results were voted on at a meeting of the top minds in complentary and alternative medicine. “The science and the math really speak for themselves on this one,” Marrow reveals. “But really it’s all about the science. Science!!!”

Written by skepticpedi

January 12, 2009 at 3:21 pm

7 Responses

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  1. That’s hilarious.

    OMG! I’m totally physically addicted to high-fructose corn syrup and have been most of my life! I’m gonna die!!! What do I do???


    January 13, 2009 at 8:54 am

  2. You must detox right now!!! I suggest trying to avoid any chemicals, compounds or elements of any kind for at least a month and have honey and horseradish enemas twice daily until you feel that your brain fog has disippated and that your adrenal glands are less fatigued.


    January 13, 2009 at 9:56 am

  3. Studies like this make me glad that I had my meridians removed a long time ago.


    January 13, 2009 at 9:56 am

  4. I agree. Better to be safe than sorry. I wanted to have my subluxations removed too but nobody could find them. I know that they are there though because all of my “innate” is just building up in my head secondary to the obstruction.


    January 13, 2009 at 10:14 am

  5. I’ve got Engram Infestation Complex, definitely! Whatever it is…

    The Perky Skeptic

    January 13, 2009 at 7:12 pm

  6. Morgellons Syndrome – 18 million deaths per year
    umm where is this from, who came up with this?


    January 19, 2009 at 11:28 am

  7. Dr. Morgellons I believe, but I can’t say for certain because of the conspiracy.


    January 19, 2009 at 1:58 pm

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