Space City Skeptics

The Official Blog of the Houston Skeptic Society

Chiropractic Paleoanthropologists Discover Neanderthal Subluxations…..

with 8 comments

Port Orange, Fl-Shocking the scientific community today, and perhaps taking the first steps towards a new theory on the history of human evolution, chiropractic paleoanthropologists working at the Institute of Chiropaleoanthropological Studies (ICS) announced the discovery of several vertebral subluxation complexes in the well-known Kebara 2 and Shanidar 3 Neanderthal spine specimens.

“This report is the culmination of many months of painstakingly detailed research,” chiropaleoanthropologist and lead researcher Frank Grimes explained. “Not only did our highly trained team employ gentle palpation of the spine in each of the two sets of fossilized remains in order to help diagnose the lesions, the specimens were further analyzed by full spinal xrays, surface and infrared electromyography, thermal scanning, contact reflex analysis and leg length measurement.”

After a consensus vote confirmed their findings, the team set out to explain why the C-4, C-6, T-2, T-8, L-4 and L-5 vertebrae were affected in the two Neanderthals. After weeks of frustration, Arthur Fernandez, an expert in the science of Applied Kinesiology, was brought in. His involvement would prove to be a key component of the unraveling of this prehistoric enigma.

“Chiropractors aren’t used to working with patients that are deceased,” Fernandez revealed. “But we do take care of children. When I realized the connection, the similar inability of both dead people and infants to talk, it hit me.”

Using his chiropractor’s intuition, Fernandez placed his hands on a segment of subluxed Neanderthal spine and tested his own muscle strength while holding a variety of vials, each containing a substance potentially toxic to Neanderthal physiology. “When I noticed my arm feel weak as soon as I grasped the bottle of mercury, I couldn’t help but think of the irony. The same substance which is damaging so many kids today used to wreck havoc on this ancient population of monkey/human hybrids.”

With a diagnosis and an etiology in hand, the team from ICS decided to go public with their findings. And though they are all excited about the potential for future discoveries, team leader Grimes has unearthed a more melancholic interpretation of their results. “Just thinking about how an entire species was wiped off the face of the earth because chiropractic healing techniques were discovered 30,000 years too late, is a little unsettling. I’d hate to see the same thing happen to us.”

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Written by skepticpedi

April 1, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Posted in chiropractic, Satire

Tagged with ,

8 Responses

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  1. Were all the Homeopaleoanthropologists, Reikipaleoanthropologists, and Reflexopaleoanthropologists unavailable? We need to get those folks in on this research stat. I’m sure they could make discoveries of a similar magnitude.

    Malachi Constant

    April 1, 2009 at 9:02 pm

  2. Don’t forget the always helpful Paleoanthropoloiridologists.

    skepticpedi

    April 1, 2009 at 9:16 pm

  3. So that’s a bunch of folks sitting in a room waiting for an intact eyeball to be found?

    Truly a rich science.

    Malachi Constant

    April 2, 2009 at 11:25 am

  4. Just you wait. One day we’ll find one and those guys will be validated big time. Can you say Nobel?

    skepticpedi

    April 2, 2009 at 6:06 pm

  5. […] bookmarks tagged gentle Chiropractic Paleoanthropologists Discover Neander… saved by 7 others     laursxokh bookmarked on 04/02/09 | […]

    Pages tagged "gentle"

    April 2, 2009 at 7:46 pm

  6. Recent research reporting on improvement in a 4 year old boy undergoing chiropractic care reveals that chiropractic may play an important role in managing children with speech and learning disorders.

    wendell

    December 11, 2009 at 2:23 am

  7. We can’t stop the continues growing for chiropractic treatment methods. I will spread to the entire world of medicine.

    louisville chiropractor

    December 11, 2009 at 2:26 am

  8. Wendell:

    So what? A ‘research’ report on one single boy is not valid science. Wackos who believe doing some prodding of the muscles and spine with cure SPEECH DISORDERS is snake oil. If you have valid peer-reviewed, scientific tests, from random controlled trials, please link. Anecdotal stories mean nothing.

    Apparently ‘louisville chiropractor’ is the same as ‘chicago chiropractor’ as he uses the same poor grammar and thought patterns.

    GeekGoddess

    December 11, 2009 at 8:30 am


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