Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category
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Oshkosh, NE-According to an exhaustive survey of backyards and rumpus rooms across the country, the number of preschool aged children going into foreclosure on their Little Tikes Playhouses hit a record high this week, and playtime experts are predicting that the crisis will continue throughout the current year.
“All indications are pointing towards a worsening trend as more and more children ages 2 years and up with subprime loans are simply unable to make payments on their Classic Castles, Country Cottages, and Endless Adventures Patio Playhouses,” Timmy Duncan, senior analyst for the Federal National Mortgage Association’s Toddler Division, explained. “Their Piggy Banks are emptying fast and it is no wonder that many are turning to afternoons of crime.”
As growing numbers of these houses are going into foreclosure, suburban police forces are adapting to the resulting increases in toddler crime. Many are installing child car seats within patrol car suspect transport enclosures and Fisher Price Corn Poppers are fast becoming standard-issue equipment. A race to develop profitable non-lethal methods of incapacitation and containment are being developed by both Lego and Play-Doh.
Cambridge, MA-In a suprising move earlier today, administrators of the Facebook social group, “1,000,000 People Who Love Kittens!!!”, officially declared their secession from the Unites States.
The group, started by New Jersey homemaker Jeannie Baker in August of last year, currently consists of Jeannie, Jeannie’s best friend Luanne Watkins, and a man listed only as Steve. Displayed in the group’s photo section are nearly three hundred pictures of Jeannie and Luanne’s cats, Monsieur Muffin and Señor Whiskers respectively, as well as a number of drawings of cats by Steve.
President Obama, upon learning of the secession, reacted by ordering an immediate review of the groups submitted secession paperwork. “I immediately put my best people on this,” Obama explained. “But after a thorough review, it’s all there and the administration’s hands are tied on this.”
Constitutional scholar Mort Fishbein agrees. “This isn’t the first time a small group of organized citizens has left the Union. Of course we all learned a powerful lesson from Reagan’s 1983 thermonuclear strike on the Greater Newark Dungeons & Dragons Club. Diplomacy is really the way to go here.”
When told of the groups secession, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg expressed regret but also understanding. “I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. My girlfriend told me that one day my free-access social networking website was going to end up tearing this nation apart.”
Seattle, WA-Starbucks, the largest coffeehouse company in the world, announced earlier today that it would begin opening retail-based health care clinics in select locations as early as July.
According to Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, the decision to expand into medical care was inspired by the growing popularity of clinics in supermarkets and pharmacies. “Folks are hurting out there, and retail-based clinics are a more economical option in many circumstances,” Schultz explains. “Starbucks will offer convenience and reasonable prices for the treatment of common medical concerns just like we do for whole bean organic Mexican shade grown medium roast coffee.”
But Schultz adds that Starbucks won’t be unveiling just another version of the CVS MinuteClinic or Walgreens Take Care Clinic. “There is a growing mistrust of mainstream medical establishments, regardless of whether they are located in a doctor’s office, a hospital, or a Walmart. And this won’t be one of them.”
Schultz points to a 2008 survey of health care consumers from the Center for Responsible Application of Pseudoscience (CRAP), a Seattle based think tank coincidentally located in the basement of a Starbucks. Advanced statistical analysis of the survey of nearly eleventy thousand adults revealed that almost 80% of responders would prefer that their medical care be provided by practitioners open to drawing from the world of alternative medicine for more natural treatment options. In response to epidemiological data like this, and the mounting evidence in CRAP approved peer-reviewed journals supporting the safety and efficacy of alternative therapies, Starbucks will staff its clinics with acupuncturists, chiropractors, and energy healers instead of the typical nurse practitioner. These operations will be supervised by naturopathic physicians.
Memphis, TN-During a widely publicized press conference held today at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, Solomon Grundy, a former member of both the Legion of Doom and Lex Luthor’s Injustice Gang, called for an increase in government financial support of research that may lead to a cure for childhood cancers.
“This is a real shock to the pediatric oncology community,” St. Jude spokesperson Jim Whitstock explains. “We really didn’t see this coming from someone so, well, I mean, he’s an evil two hundred year old zombie for pete’s sake.”
Grundy, a frequent nemesis of Superman, Batman and the Green Lantern explains “Me Solomon Grundy think children are future. Also me have niece with leukemia.”
Port Orange, Fl-Shocking the scientific community today, and perhaps taking the first steps towards a new theory on the history of human evolution, chiropractic paleoanthropologists working at the Institute of Chiropaleoanthropological Studies (ICS) announced the discovery of several vertebral subluxation complexes in the well-known Kebara 2 and Shanidar 3 Neanderthal spine specimens.
“This report is the culmination of many months of painstakingly detailed research,” chiropaleoanthropologist and lead researcher Frank Grimes explained. “Not only did our highly trained team employ gentle palpation of the spine in each of the two sets of fossilized remains in order to help diagnose the lesions, the specimens were further analyzed by full spinal xrays, surface and infrared electromyography, thermal scanning, contact reflex analysis and leg length measurement.”
After a consensus vote confirmed their findings, the team set out to explain why the C-4, C-6, T-2, T-8, L-4 and L-5 vertebrae were affected in the two Neanderthals. After weeks of frustration, Arthur Fernandez, an expert in the science of Applied Kinesiology, was brought in. His involvement would prove to be a key component of the unraveling of this prehistoric enigma.
“Chiropractors aren’t used to working with patients that are deceased,” Fernandez revealed. “But we do take care of children. When I realized the connection, the similar inability of both dead people and infants to talk, it hit me.”
Using his chiropractor’s intuition, Fernandez placed his hands on a segment of subluxed Neanderthal spine and tested his own muscle strength while holding a variety of vials, each containing a substance potentially toxic to Neanderthal physiology. “When I noticed my arm feel weak as soon as I grasped the bottle of mercury, I couldn’t help but think of the irony. The same substance which is damaging so many kids today used to wreck havoc on this ancient population of monkey/human hybrids.”
With a diagnosis and an etiology in hand, the team from ICS decided to go public with their findings. And though they are all excited about the potential for future discoveries, team leader Grimes has unearthed a more melancholic interpretation of their results. “Just thinking about how an entire species was wiped off the face of the earth because chiropractic healing techniques were discovered 30,000 years too late, is a little unsettling. I’d hate to see the same thing happen to us.”
Knoxville, TN- Baffled by the unusual finding of a rapidly spinning pulsar locked in an elongated orbit around a star similar to our own sun, something deemed highly improbable according to current models, cosmetologists across the nation are scrambling to explain the phenomenon.
“What really concerns me is that this goes completely against everything we thought we knew,” cosmetologist Scott Riddlemark explained during a press conference held in the shampoo lab at the Tennesse School of Beauty, the planned future site for a Generation II Super Large Hadron Collider. “I’ve spent the past 6-months studying hairstyling, skin care, cosmetics, manicures, pedicures, and even electrology, with an additional 30 hours of online research in Seasonal Color Analysis, and I have never encountered a pulsar in anything but a perfectly circular orbit.”
As the dust slowly settles, theories are beginning to emerge that may answer the questions raised by this suprising discovery and advance our understanding of the universe considerably. Riddlemark, a master stylist with an advanced degree in theoretical cosmetology, believes that it all boils down to split ends. “If reality is composed of hairs 10−20 times the diameter of a proton, each vibrating at unique resonant frequencies and collectively determining the different fundamental forces of nature, perhaps some events can be explained by the stripping away of a hairs protective quantum cuticle thus resulting in a cosmic split end.”